Facing Fear

A few days ago I came across Christine Kane’s post called lying works wonders. Mostly she talks about how the lies we tell ourselves prevent us from getting what we want, even going so far as not even being willing to admit to ourselves what it is we want.

She quoted Joe Vitale from his book The Attractor Factor:

If you are one of the few who say you don’t know what you want, you are lying to yourself. Somewhere inside of you – right below what you are willing to admit – are your desires. You simply haven’t spoken them. Dr. Robert Anthony told me, “Everyone knows what they want. They are simply afraid to admit it. Once they admit it, they have to own up to the fact that they don’t have it. They have to begin to take action to get what they want. Or they have to make excuses for not trying. Both may be uncomfortable. To stay safe, people lie.

[clarifying note: I’m pretty uncomfortable with “the law of attraction“, The Secret, intention-manifestation and all of this wishing makes it so types of stuff people seem to be doing right now. I am deeply immersed in objective (not subjective) reality. And yet I do find gems of truth that resonate with me.]

Joe’s  words have been bubbling around in my brain since I read them. I printed Christine’s post, something I rarely do, because it resonated that much.

A few months ago I was working on my application to the HERS (Higher Education Resource Services) Institute in Denver. A part of the application was to describe where I wanted to be in 5 years. I always struggle with these types of tasks. I have the hardest time even admitting that I wanted to do the HERS Institute in Denver, as only 40 women from around the country will be allowed to attend. Because my university is the sponsoring institution, they will let (select) two women attend. I had to get pre-approval from the Provost’s office to even submit the application.

In the application, I did find the courage to admit and describe my dream job, where I would love to be in 5 years, it’s a rather unique job held by someone in the community that I admire. I learned about two weeks ago that this person was stepping down from the position to retire. On May 31, the position was advertised. At least looking at the printed words, I thought I might have the minimum credentials to apply-weak perhaps in some areas but strong in others. Dream jobs do not come available very often. I went on a major limb and asked my boss (and some close friends) to review my credentials in light of the job application since I would definitely need his support to apply. My boss seemed to think that my experiences would make my application at least competitive (and he’s willing to be a reference if I face my fear and go for it). My friends were very supportive.

At the same time, a book I had ordered Over-40 Job Search Guide: 10 Strategies For Making Your Age An Advantage In Your Career arrived in the mail. Now granted, I’m only 39 but this book is all about building timeless resumes and highlight one’s skills to land the desired job. She also provides advice on how to repackage oneself from written word to hairstyle, manner and dress to win one’s dream job.

Applications for my dream job will start being reviewed on June 30. One thing you may not know about meis that I have never done the normal job application thing. Sure I applied for some life-guarding stints way back as a teenager but that’s about it. When I was looking for a post-doctoral fellowship in the early 1990s, a name was provided to me as a point of contact to provide suggestions and make introductions. He saw my CV and hired me himself. Since then it’s all been internal promotions.

I cannot express how much I desire this shiny, fabulous opportunity, how much it would hurt to not be chosen. I really want this and am utterly terrified.